those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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