Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
