you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
