Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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