remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
