My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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