Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize