i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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