I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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