His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
