So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
