It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
