Your tits are I can't wait for
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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