you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
