I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
