he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
