Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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