Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
