The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
