My Higher Power is John Stamos
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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