My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
