god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
