I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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