When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize