now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
