I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize