Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
