I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
