he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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