Betty ford says i'm here all night
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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