My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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