dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I think I am morally bankrupt
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
