i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
