Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
