so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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