Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
