I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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