she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
As shirtless as possible
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
