Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
