I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
