I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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