I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
