Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
