I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
