cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
