Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
