laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
