Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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