You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found a bag of teeth...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
