I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
