my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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