lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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