They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
