So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
