apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
