I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize