Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
