He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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